I’ve been putting off writing on my blog for a while because I’ve had a whole lot of different feelings for the past couple of months and I’m afraid of a lot. I’m afraid of being broke, afraid of being judged, afraid of failure.

I lost my brother Ben, three months ago and that has made these fears I have always had all the more real. I feel like everything is more significant. If I fail it’s worse now because there’s fewer of my bloodline making an imprint on the world. When I write that out it’s ridiculous, as if most of us will be remembered.  That takes some pressure off, knowing no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter.

He decided to take his own life, no one knows for sure why. He held himself up to a high standard, his journals spoke of not letting himself escape by watching TV or movies and he spoke ill of people who pursued more artistic fields like performance and writing. He called artists “great barons of nothing” which I am, I guess.  I am still alive though. I struggle like he did but I think the escape is what keeps me sane/alive.  If I am feeling depressed I escape and it usually causes a shift enough in my mood to at least put me to sleep so I can perhaps face my demons later.

I wish Ben had pulled himself out of his train of thought at the time he decided to end his life.  I wish he had taken a walk, called someone or even turned on the TV just to think about something else. I read that now and think, “really Tammy, you think turning on the TV would keep someone alive?” So I guess I don’t know anything, maybe that’s all I have learned.

I used to bartend and it made me depressed that people would get drunk to escape their thoughts. After all this I’ve changed my views on drinking, drug use, smoking, TV watching, video games, all forms of escape. Now I see them as not so bad as long as they don’t consume your time.

I was going to apologize for this not making sense or not being funny or whatever but it doesn’t matter. If you’re reading this, I thank you for your attention and I hope you “pursue on, great baron of nothing.”

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