Forget makeup tricks and plastic surgery!                                                                                        Simply choosing the right accessories can take years off and maybe even make you look like a better person!

Worried about crows feet around the old peepers?
 Grab a skateboard! You don’t have to know how it works, just by always holding a skateboard, you’ll look ten to twenty years younger!

Want to fit in with moms?
 Carry a bottle of breast milk around. It’s an automatic convo starter! “Oh you’re a mom?” “Why yes I am! Now who wants to gossip?”

Don’t want to lie about being a mom? Get a dog.
 A dog lie is way less of a commitment than a baby lie, borrow a dog from a dog park and walk it around for the day. People will be drawn to you because they think you’re a person who cares about animals. (Bonus if you tell them you rescued it!)

Want to seem smarter than you already are?
 A good pair of glasses might do the trick, but a single monocle will make a bold statement. Worried you might look too Winona Ryder from  “Heathers?” Instead of the eye-wear, go for carrying a microscope. Everyone will assume you’re a scientist in the know and on the go!

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Free Spirits! Get Your Free Spirits!

 

 Wondering how to pull off a Zooey Deschanel look? Try always holding an insect net. People will notice your fairy-like personality from a mile a way!

All of us can use a new do every now and then, the important thing to remember is; never look ugly or old or boring or dumb. Good luck!

 

 

I’ve been putting off writing on my blog for a while because I’ve had a whole lot of different feelings for the past couple of months and I’m afraid of a lot. I’m afraid of being broke, afraid of being judged, afraid of failure.

I lost my brother Ben, three months ago and that has made these fears I have always had all the more real. I feel like everything is more significant. If I fail it’s worse now because there’s fewer of my bloodline making an imprint on the world. When I write that out it’s ridiculous, as if most of us will be remembered.  That takes some pressure off, knowing no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter.

He decided to take his own life, no one knows for sure why. He held himself up to a high standard, his journals spoke of not letting himself escape by watching TV or movies and he spoke ill of people who pursued more artistic fields like performance and writing. He called artists “great barons of nothing” which I am, I guess.  I am still alive though. I struggle like he did but I think the escape is what keeps me sane/alive.  If I am feeling depressed I escape and it usually causes a shift enough in my mood to at least put me to sleep so I can perhaps face my demons later.

I wish Ben had pulled himself out of his train of thought at the time he decided to end his life.  I wish he had taken a walk, called someone or even turned on the TV just to think about something else. I read that now and think, “really Tammy, you think turning on the TV would keep someone alive?” So I guess I don’t know anything, maybe that’s all I have learned.

I used to bartend and it made me depressed that people would get drunk to escape their thoughts. After all this I’ve changed my views on drinking, drug use, smoking, TV watching, video games, all forms of escape. Now I see them as not so bad as long as they don’t consume your time.

I was going to apologize for this not making sense or not being funny or whatever but it doesn’t matter. If you’re reading this, I thank you for your attention and I hope you “pursue on, great baron of nothing.”

(NSFW) Don’t want to brag or anything but I edited this myself, so I’m pretty much an expert at Windows Movie Maker now. Maybe I should become like a big time movie editor, they use Windows Movie Maker (free edition) right? My husband is holding the flip cam through this set so you can hear his generous laughter throughout.

I just saw” The Hunger Games” Friday so this isn’t exactly topical…

I was watching the movie thinking about how you could kind of compare stand up comedy with the reaping, well, really just one point.  Katniss is training and she  asks Woody Harrelson (haha! not gonna even google his name)  how to impress the judges, he says something like; “just make them remember you.” I thought, “Hey! that’s like stand up!” In this analogy, Katniss is me and the arrow is a joke.

According to the movie, if I bomb with joke #1 then kill with joke #2 and no one is paying attention, then joke #3 should involve me joking an apple out of a pig’s mouth. My question is: Who is the pig and is the apple a beer?

I’m the girl on fire! (my flames are farts)

When I enter my shitty apartment complex and smell weed all I smell is failure.  I should walk into expensive apartments and mansions and see if pot smells the same.  Anybody have a mansion and some weed so I can test my theory?

I just read what I wrote, geez I can be judgemental. I put the “mental” in “judgemental!” Just came up with that.

Do I feel guilty for associating weed with failure? Yes. But I think it’s actually more my apartment that I associate with failure.  That’s why I need the mansion.

So if you have a mansion and you like weed, invite me over to judge!

I was looking up the address of the bar I’m performing at tonight (Corner Club-Woodland Hills) and some Yelp reviews came up so I thought I’d read a few. My favorite excerpt is this:

“Gents this is the place to pick up bar chicks. Plenty of woman party here (pornstars included!) late 20’s, 30’s and 40’s looking to get down like they did when they were younger. Now they aren’t perfect 10’s but they’ll more than get the job done after a few rounds of drinks.”

Pornstars included?! What is this, heaven? Women in their 20’s looking to get down like when they were younger? What, like when they were 16? Now that’s a bar I would go to.  “Now they aren’t perfect 10’s” -by that I think the author means ten year old porn stars. And, “they’ll more than get the job done after a few rounds of drinks”- yuck.

I think Yelp should give another option to review the  Yelpers posts. Yelp already ask, “Was this review…FUNNY, USEFUL, COOL?” I think the new option should be: “Was this review…Funny, Useful, RAPEY?”

In closing, I can’t wait to perform for old washed up 20- year- old porn stars.

 

 

 

 

I forgot to put this Easter Meat Artist video up! Man, there go my chances of booking any prom work.

Prom is a really busy season for meat artists. We get orders for corsages; wrist, shoulder, and if you don’t have shoulders or wrists, I make an awesome waist corsage!

We do recommend to put your meat corsage in the fridge before wearing it and also avoid bears. (But young ladies should avoid bears anyway if it’s that time of the month)

Who's ready to laugh?

So I’m putting together a comedy show at an assisted living center. I’m still in the framing stage of this so if anyone stumbles upon this and knows of an assisted living center interested in hosting a show let me know.

I’m thinking it would only be up to four comics or so at like 10 minutes each and I could always experiment with the set up.

Here’s the thing; I also think it would be fun to hear from the residents too. I’m sure they have stories to tell-maybe I could have an open mic at the end with the residents?

Part of me thinks I’m just copying “Punchline,” the part where Tom Hanks’ character goes to the hospital and entertains the sickly-which I’d be lying if I said I don’t want that to happen to me. The other part of me feels a little icky like I’m just doing it for attention. This is also true, I want the attention of people especially when I’m in front of them on a mic. A THIRD part of me has flashbacks of visiting my grandparents in nursing homes and there’s no way some of the residents (the mentally absent) would enjoy a show-then again that’s no different from an average open mic.

It’s weird how people in LA are desperate for stage time and there are shows at every imaginable place: Dispensaries, AA meetings, Hotels, Apartment rooftops…This ” idea” I had is probably already being done.

Places to have a comedy show:

Abandoned pools-Anyone have a show there?

Landfills

DMV line entertainment

IKEA

Food court

High School (during lunch)

Homeless shelters

Prisons (I think that’s been done)

Dog Parks

Bus Stops

Parking Garage

Skate Park

 

 

I went to The Standard Hotel (Hollywood) last night for a comedy show. It was my first time going to any Standard Hotel and I’m not really into Hollywood culture at all so it was a little overwhelming.  First off there’s valet, which I know is a part of going out with other people (if I were alone-oh boy, I look forever for meters) but that already puts me in a strange place mentally. Then you walk into the 60’s decor, shag carpet on the floor wall and ceiling, hanging ball chairs and then this: (see photo)

The front desk of the hotel has two agents then behind them is a girl in a display case. My friend and I wanted to feed her lettuce and give her a bottle of water.  I thought, “How much does she get paid?” And “I wonder how you would list that job on your resume.” It’s art. Okay. I’ll move on, even though I could talk about that probably all day. The guy in this photo is the DJ, spinning for the hotel. If you’ve seen Portlandia I guess this is what they’re referencing in the Deuce Hotel sketch. The DJ thing I don’t really mind-that seems more okay than a human being on display.

So I was out of my element (my element being my bed.) I felt insecure, which isn’t that weird-but is that what Hollywood is? I think maybe that’s what part of the vibe of Hollywood is-making people feel that they lack something whether it be money, fame, skinny jeans, youth, personality…

Long story short, know thyself and to thine something, something, something…I ended up feeling okay at the end of the night because I decided to be okay with who I am-even though I still want to set the girl in the display case free…