Complaint

Dear Ben & Jerry’s,

You’re new flavor, “Red Velvet Cake”, should be called, “Red Velvet Fake-you into thinking it’s something else”.  This tasted so bad I could hardly finish eating the pint. It tasted more like strawberry flavored ice cream with vanilla icing mixed in =yuck!

I opened up this pink mess (the ice cream) hoping to fill up the emptiness inside (like we all do-shut up) It filled me up alright, filled me with regret for not buying Chubby Hubby.

I guess what pisses me off the most is knowing that I gave you an impeccable ice cream flavor and you ignored it, for what? This?

I know there might be trademark concerns involving my Cadbury cream egg ice cream but couldn’t you just call it Scrambled Sugar Egg Fantasy, Sweet Egg Mess or something?

In closing, *I will not eat any Ben & Jerry’s products until you pull this awful flavor off of the shelves.

Thanks for your product up until now-

Tammy

*Or I have a “bad day,” “good day,” or I “earned it”

 

 

Got nothing to Complain About…

I’ve been thinking about Hollywood and me and life and maybe my priorities are changing a bit. Sometimes I think about doing something that’s the opposite of Hollywood- which I think would be being a park ranger.

I made this list the other day to stimulate some new ideas for a career:

As you can see, it devolves into a list a reality TV shows I sometimes watch. A girl can dream…

 

Job Hunt

I recently quit my bartending gig and now I’m looking for work.  Here’s my application I submitted to Living Social for their freelance writing position in OC. Wish me luck! (In that picture of me I’m crossing my fingers, not giving the talon sign)

To The Living Social Team,

I’ve attached my resume and this writing sample for the freelance writing position at Living Social. I routinely peruse Living Social deals, not to partake in the money-saving offers, but to imagine how I would write the copy. I like to see myself as the Bukowski of the Living Social realm. People will read my promotion for a colon cleanse and feel as though they are subhuman until they get the crap pulled out of their intestines. People who have never thought about cupcakes will see nothing but icing and fondant after they have read my deal of the day for Sugarbaby Cupcakes. I will haunt the minds of savings-driven customers until they have no choice but to give in and purchase that 20 for 10 deal.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Tammy Connors

(Writing Samples)

Poppy Restaurant:

Impress your friends with a dinner that won’t end with tears and diarrhea!

Poppy restaurant offers a thali style menu where each person gets a variety of dishes in one platter that won’t make you splatter! Eggplant fries, quinoa cakes, and coffee avocado ice cream cake are just some of the selections you’ll have for this gang bang in your mouth!

Now’s the time to snatch this deal; $25 for $50 of food and drink! Last time you got a deal this good, you had to hide a pubic hair in the food just to get a free dessert!

So run without worrying about getting the runs to Poppy and use this amazing deal!

The Standard

Ever wonder what it was like to be a coke dealer’s girlfriend? Now you can live the dream with the Standard Massage package for the price of a botched bag of meth!

Imagine, while your boyfriend is shooting up 80’s nightclubs, you’ll receive hydrotherapy, essential oils and a 90 minute rub down to help you forget about the bad drug deal that ended with twenty dead men in your ex-husband’s house.

For 60 bucks you’ll get an offer you can’t refuse; The Standard Massage package (that’s 60% off)!

The Standard Hotel, you fuck with them, you’re fuckin with the best!

 

Tradition/My Stream of Consciousness thing about Weddings…

You’re getting married!!!(Squeals with excitement that I think is forced). I have had this response with two strangers recently. One was a new co-worker, the other a gay dude I just met at a party. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not sharing in the squealing, my response was more like the noise a person makes when they find out a young cousin is pregnant and they’re not sure if excitement or judgement is in order. It’s not that I’m not looking forward to my wedding. I just don’t get the fanfare. I mean practically everyone gets married. I’m not excited when I hear about people getting married. I am excited when rare occurences take place. Like if my friend called and said she got a starring role in a big film, yes, I would be happy and excited for her, or if a friend won the lottery, these things don’t happen every day.

Marriage is an expected life choice, like school, kids, or getting a pet. We don’t get giddy when someone comes home with a new cat, so why all the commotion?

Here’s what I think it is; I’m excited to see my family and his family together. Could we do this if we weren’t getting married? Probably not. The marriage thing though, it’s really about me and Andrew. {Here’s where I figure it out}BUT, Our families and friends have helped shape who we are. So it makes sense you want them at a wedding, the combining of two families, two groups of people, two histories…you get the idea.

So I think I know what all the squealing was about, I guess it is exciting forming new bonds, mixing different ingredients together to create something new.  I guess I’m the asshole here.

The pic is from janargy.wordpress.com

 

Bomb butt Pancakes

I just made the best pancakes, here’s what I used:

Whole wheat flour

egg

Baking soda

stevia

cooking oil

carob chips

It was weird because the mix started to foam I think because of the stevia because that’s the only thing different I used.

Anyway, they were delicious especially with the tofurkey italian sausage omelette I made.

One of my new goals is to stop worrying about what I eat so much. When I think about all the time wasted counted calories, it makes me feel so dumb. If I talk about calories or anything like that shoot me.

 

I’m out of Dish Soap!!!

I’m out of dish soap and now my morning routine is f***** beyond belief. Seriously you guys, you wouldn’t believe it.

Now I’m sitting at my laptop wondering how to get out of this mess.

I could go to the store for more soap but after the last two weeks of going to some sort of store everyday and purchasing something every single day I feel as though one more day of me with a bag of goods walking out of my car and into my apartment will spur neighbors to think I have a shopping addiction.

Speaking of shopping and addictions, I have recently been streaming Netflix movies through our PS3 and one of the newer movies available is “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”  I didn’t want to see this movie when it was advertised and I still don’t really want to see it now, but for some reason I’m still drawn to it enough to pause and think, “Do I?”

I can’t believe this is my first entry for 2010.

 

Moving on

Just got my letter from The Guy Hanks and Marvin Miller program it said I didn’t make the fifteen selected for the program. There were over 200 applicants. This program actually mailed me criticism of my spec. I have a hard time at first with criticism so I read it one time, put it away for a little while then come back when I’m ready to actually use it.

The NBC program had something like 900 applicants and I was one of 17 finalist (or that’s what I was told). I used the same spec. I guess every program has different people who might read your spec so all you can do is pray that the right person gets it. The right person meaning someone who loves my spec and finds it absolutely marvelous.

So now I’m moving on, or trying to.  I think I might hit the library for some motivational reading…

 

Big Bang

I’ve been contemplating writing a new spec, this really means I’ve been watching every episode I can and occasionally writing ideas down. The new spec will be Big Bang Theory, it will be a challenge because I’ve never done this style before. I think that’s why I don’t dive right in.

My sister highly recommended the show saying she had a lot of friends in college like the characters in the show. I noticed while watching an episode from season 2 yesterday that I actually know some people like this as well.

In an ideal world where I could write whatever I pleased I would write an episode of Big Bang in which Penny (the waitress love interest) would actually have been hiding her genius the whole time just to get in bed with Sheldon (the extreme nerd too awkward to consider dating).  Here’s the sweet midpoint; when Penny sleeps with Sheldon, she actually steals all of his work, claims it is hers, then is awarded a Professor job (we’ll call it that).  After Sheldon finds this out, he of course will get angry with Penny who will then kill him. After that, the next scene will be the gang chilling in Leonard and Sheldon’s apartment eating Indian food like they always do.

Not sure how a studio audience would react.

I really do want something more for Penny’s character though, I find myself hating her but it’s because she’s such the typical female role.-guess I can change that.

 

I felt like job hunting

WRITER FOR CHILDREN’S ANIMATION FILM (SFV/LA)

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Writer for children’s animation film wanted. There will be money but the terms need to be discussed. Experienced screenplay writers only. This is an excellent opportunity to get in on the ground level of a production company that is being developed into a franchise. Will explain more of what’s going on when you respond and I answer.

I look at Craigslist more than a person should, but when I start to job hunt and find these ads I feel like giving up completely, even though I know full and well I shouldn’t be looking at these. The most troubling thing is that people are feeding off of hopes and dreams. I know it happens everywhere, a person sees struggling actors, writers, comedians, models, etc. then they see a way to make money off of these hopefuls. I just wish these hunters would find another line of work. More troubling is the idea that these “Producers” actually have convinced themselves that they are helping struggling newbies and that their “services” are worth money.

You might be thinking, “Whoa, maybe this ad is legit though?”

and I say, “Oh, well, I never thought about it that way.”

 

Turkey Day

I hope everyone had a maaaavelous (Billy Crystal)  Thanksgiving!

I know I did, it was so great I didn’t even have time to blog!

I hung out with the family, tried on my mom’s wedding dress, and I didn’t even miss eating turkey.

now I must sleep.